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Strach i Relacje

4 grudnia 2015

Jako dziecko nie mogłam wyjść z podziwu oglądając filmy, w których dorośli niepotrzebnie komplikowali sobie relacje z najbliższymi uciekając się do milczenia. Nie mówili, że kochają, że tęsknią. Rozchodzili się w bolesnym niedopowiedzeniu, z wysoko podniesioną brodą, wierząc, że zachowują godność. Myślałam, że te fikcyjne sytuacje powstają jedynie na potrzeby filmu. Przeciez ja mówiłam kiedy chciałam, że chcę się zaprzyjaźnić, że się zakochałam, że boję się umrzeć na raka.

Później zakochałam się po raz pierwszy i jak zapewne łatwo się domyśleć – po raz pierwszy zostałam zraniona. Pierwsze miłości trwają zwykle kilka lat, więc przez te kilka lat na zmianę byłam raniona i kochana w niedojrzały i chaotyczny sposób. Z każdym chwilowym rozstaniem traciłam dozę romantyzmu, który pielęgnowałam w sobie jako nastolatka. Coraz mniej mi się widziało noszenie serca w otwartej dłoni, biorąc pod uwagę fakt, że tyle razy zostało oplute. Budził się we mnie bunt przeciwko osobie, która tyle dla mnie znaczyła.

Ten bunt zaczęłam nazywać zdrowym rozsądkiem. Chroniłam siebie.

Po latach, postanowiłam już nie wrócić. Często chciałam powiedziec na głos o wszystkich moich ciepłych uczuciach ale wiedziałam, że w ten sposób tylko przedłużam nasze zdezorientowanie. Ostatecznie oboje skończyliśmy ze złamanym sercem.
Wtedy raz pierwszy zrozumiałam tych „dorosłych ludzi z filmów”.

Wszyscy się rozczarowaliśmy. Niestety dotkliwie roczarowac mogą nas jedynie najbliżsi. Komu i jak później zaufać? Przechodzimy w „tryb ochronny” i odwracamy się plecami do wyzwań, jakie niosą ze sobą silne emocje.
Rozglądając się po otaczającym mnie świecie coraz rzadziej słysze głośne deklaracje o miłości i przyjaźni. Ludzie wstydzą się mówić o przebaczeniu, jakby było oznaką słabości. Głośno mówią natomiast o złości i jej pochodzeniu. Z lekkością negują  znaczenie relacji z osobami, z którymi spędzają najwięcej czasu.

Przede wszystkim jednak nie walczą o siebie nawzajem. W obliczu trudności tłumaczą „tak widocznie miało być”. Tak, jakby ta właściwa relacja miała być pozbawiona utrudnień.

Aby zbudować właściwą relację będziemy musieli   r o z p r a c o w a ć   przeszkody. Odległość, problemy w pracy, problemy z zaufaniem, problemy zdrowotne, rodzinne, finansowe. Tam gdzie jest człowiek, tam są i problemy. Przyjmując nasze wspaniałe wyobrażenie o tym wybranym człowieku, musimy przyjąć też jego bagaż. Z czasem ten wybraniec poczuje się w naszym życiu bezpiecznie i zacznie się rozpakowywać. Trzeba znaleźć w sobie zrozumienie. Dla siebie i dla naszych bliskich.

Jesteśmy przepełnieni strachem przed odrzuceniem, ale jako stworzenia stadne nie przestajemy szukać bliskości. Przyciągamy i odpychamy się wzajemnie, wysyłając nieustannie sprzeczne sygnały. Akceptujemy to co dobre a przykrości staramy się puścić w niepamięć…aż do czasu kiery wrócą. Bo wracają, jak bumerang.

A gdyby tak zaakceptować te słabości, zarówno własne, jak i te, które należą do naszych bliskich. Powiedzieć najpierw „rozumiem”, zamiast prosić o zrozumienie. Nie ma nic piękniejszego niż prawdziwa relacja między dwojgiem ludzi. Dzięki bliskim jesteśmy w stanie poznać siebie, wydobyć z siebie to, co najlepsze i zrozumieć to, co najgorsze.

Myśląc o moich bliskich robi mi się żal, ponieważ sama wpadłam w sidła przyzwyczajeń do słów bezpiecznych, które nie wymagają emocjonalnych reakcji. Nie jestem pewna czy wiedzą, ile dla mnie znaczą i ile mądrości czerpię od każdego z nich. Rzadko sięgam po poradę, chętnie natomiast radzę. Dawniej na okrągło wpuszczałam bliskich do swojego świata, prosząc o kilka słów, z wiekiem zbudowałam w sobie przeświadczenie, że ze wszystkim muszę poradzić sobie sama.

Zostajemy ze sobą sami nie z konieczności, ale ze strachu. Strach jest naszym wyborem.
Pomyślmy o tych chwilach, kiedy przeżyliśmy najcieplejsze uniesienia.

Kiedy ktoś stawał się naszym przyjacielem, stając w naszej obronie, przychodząc do nas w swojej bezradności. Kiedy z lampką wina w ręku wymienialiśmy się długo skrywaną wdzięcznością. Kiedy cierpliwie słuchali naszych przeprosin.
Kiedy zauroczenie zamieniało się w coś poważniejszego i trzeba było to powiedzieć na głos.
Kiedy po niepotrzebnej kłótni przyszedł czas na wybaczenia.
Kiedy rodzic powiedział, że jest z nas dumny.
Kiedy babcia przytulała nas tak, jakby czas nie mijał.

Te sytuacje były pozbawione strachu, oparte na zaufaniu i miłości. Miłość jest naprawdę odważnym uczuciem, które niezwykle wzmacnia człowieka. Lubimy ciepłych ludzi, ponieważ wierzymy, że nie odrzucą naszego ciepła. Bo przy nich możemy być tą dobrą wersją siebie, na której można polegac, do której można się zwrócić, której można zaufać.

Wszyscy jestemy zmęczeni obmyślaniem taktyk obronnych, zakładaniem masek, unikaniem konfrontacji. Nie ufamy sobie, bo w sytuacjach niewygodnych nasze zachowania potrafią byc paniczne i nieprzemyslane. Ale gdyby tak porzucić strach na chwilę każdego dnia i budować w sobie życzliwość, nieść dobre intencje. O ile mniej żalu i wstydu mielibyśmy do trawienia.

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