PARENTING

Matko, zorganizuj się

20 maja 2018

Oswajając się z macierzyństwem nie miałam w otoczeniu innej świeżo upieczonej mamy, z którą mogłabym dzielić się „sposobami na życie”. Byłam trochę zagubiona i przytłoczona ilością pierwszych razów, z którymi musiałam mierzyć się każdego dnia. Babcie były pomocne, ale ponieważ obie pracują moim głównym źródłem, u którego szukałam odpowiedzi na nurtujące pytania był internet. Szukałam bloga parentingowego, na którym znalazłabym fajną, obytą z macierzyństwem kobietę, która z dobroci serca szerzyłaby rodzicielskie mądrości dla niewtajemniczonych.

Znalazłam wówczas coś zupełnie innego.
Znalazłam zdanie, które pojawia się dość często w internetowej aktywności matek.

„Wystarczy dobra organizacja.”

To zdanie pada przeważnie ze strony kobiet, które twierdzą, że mimo absorbującej roli jaką jest macierzyństwo są w stanie pracować, wyskoczyć z koleżanką na drinka, trenować regularnie, w ich domu panuje porządek, pachnie ciepłym obiadem. Nic nie musi się zmieniać po narodzinach dziecka.

Jak? Nikt nie wdaje się w szczegóły. Dobra organizacja, kropka.

Bardzo mnie to zagadnienie drażni ponieważ wprowadza kobiety w błędne przekonanie o tym, że da się to osiągnąć samodzielnie, a pewne ograniczenia w zakresie realizowania swoich potrzeb wynikają z ich winy. Z lenistwa, roztargnienia, braku sprytu. Niejednokrotnie czytałam pod podobnymi motywacyjnymi treściami jak zmęczone i zdezorientowane młode mamy wyrażały zaniepokojenie pytając „co robię nie tak?”. Nikt im nie odpowiedział.

Sama przez jakiś czas usiłowałam zrozumieć jak można zorganizować się na tyle żeby niemowlę nagle się dostosowało, przestało wymagać uwagi i potraktowało nasze plany poważnie.

Odpowiedź jest prosta

Z perspektywy czasu wiem, że odpowiedź na to pytanie wszystkie znamy, a jednocześnie nie przychodzi nam łatwo, ponieważ wymagamy od siebie stanowczo za dużo. Z miłości chciałybyśmy wszystko robić na 100%, a prawda jest taka, że najszczęśliwsze dzieciństwo zapewnimy naszym pociechom wówczas, gdy wrzucimy na luz.

Jaką przewagę mają matki wypoczęte, które są w stanie wygenerować czas na realizację własnych potrzeb?

Mają wsparcie.

Nie ważne, czy pod postacią męża (chociaż to nie zawsze wystarcza jeśli ten pracuje do późna), babci, niani. Te rodziny mają dodatkową parę rąk, które zapewniają im swobodę, a dzieciom opiekę.

I jasne, można takiego tymczasowego opiekuna nazwać „dobrą organizacją” – w końcu ktoś go musiał zorganizować – ale jest to ogromne niedomówienie. Na dobrą organizację każdy może sobie pozwolić, ale bez wsparcia nie będzie ona skuteczna.

Złote klatki

Dzisiejsze pary mają ten luksus, że życie rodzinne mogą rozpoczynać na swoim. Jest to doświadczenie, o którym marzyło pokolenie naszych rodziców, którzy nierzadko pierwsze lata małżeństwa spędzali pod dachem wielopokoleniowych domów. Wiecznie zajęta łazienka, nieproszone złote rady, błache konflikty z domownikami i brak własnego kąta mogły dawać się we znaki, ale jednak pod kątem wsparcia ówczesne matki były znacznie hojniej wyposażone niż współczesne. Przekazywanie malucha z rąk do rąk, pytania, których nikt nie zostawiał bez odpowiedzi, podział obowiązków rozłożony na grupę osób. To nie było takie złe.

Współcześnie odpowiedzi szukamy najczęściej u wujka Google, pracujące babcie sporadycznie zaglądają nacieszyć się wnukiem, a kiedy mąż wraca z pracy trzeba wybierać między spędzaniem wspólnego czasu, a realizacją własnych potrzeb, czy nadrabianiem zaległości w obowiązkach domowych. Ogromnym ratunkiem jest wsparcie rodziny czy niań i nie ma w tym absolutnie nic wstydliwego. Nie podoba mi się fakt, że kobiety usiłują ukrywać przed resztą świata, że czerpią radość z przestrzeni na własne „ja” dzięki czyjejś obecności.

Od razu podkreślam, że istnieje dobra organizacja na tym świecie, ale dość istotnym punktem odniesienia jest wiek dziecka. Inaczej organizujemy się przy śpiącym większość doby noworodku, inaczej przy raczkującym maluchu, a inaczej przy biegającym roczniaku (i dalej).  Należy też przyjąć, że zdolności organizacyjne matek w porównaniu do reszty świata są troszkę ograniczone przez konflikt interesów na linii kobieta-niemowlę i niestety niemowlęta nie słyną z ugodowości.

Jak matka matce

Nie bez przyczyny w sieci roi się od tzw. „wojujących matek”, które chętniej niż inne grupy społeczne wyrażają swoje frustracje. Macierzyństwo jest niezwykle emocjonalną rolą w życiu każdej kobiety. Chcemy zapewnić dziecku najlepszą opiekę i ze strachem myślimy o potencjalnych pomyłkach. Staramy się ze wszystkich sił, które w danym momencie mamy do dyspozycji. Nakładamy na siebie ogromną presję. Mając tego świadomość powinnyśmy być dla siebie wzajemnie wyrozumiałe i pomocne. Nikt na tym przecież nie zbiednieje, a wręcz przeciwnie – możemy wzbogacić życie innej rodziny pokazując zwyczajną prawdę.

 

 

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    Uwielbiam obserwowac Cię w sieci. Jesteś niesamowicie autentyczna i wszystko co piszesz czyta się cudownie. Obserwuję całą masę „instamatek” i przysięgam, z ręką na sercu: żadna z nich nie ma tego czegoś co Ty.
    A co do organizacji…zgadzam się w 100%. Pamiętam początki mojego macierzyństwa, kiedy moj partner pracował od świtu do nocy. O losie, było bardzo ciężko. Całe szczescie zmienil tryb pracy i jego pomoc w domu i przy synku jest nieoceniona. Nie ma cudów! Każdy potrzebuje wsparcia…chociaz ciut ciut.

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