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Baby Blues – (nie)piękne początki

4 sierpnia 2017

Kiedy dopadł mnie Baby Blues sporo czasu spędziłam na wertowaniu internetu w poszukiwaniu otuchy. Szukałam dowodów na to, że nie jestem w tym sama, nie zwariowałam i tak nie będzie już zawsze. O tym płaczliwym etapie połogu słuchałam na szkole rodzenia, wyobrażałam to sobie jako coś na kształt PMS. Popłaczę nad dzieckiem, nad reklamą papieru toaletowego, nad galaretowatym brzuchem po ciąży i w końcu mi przejdzie. Nie spodziewałam się jednak bólu egzystencjalnego.

Przechodząc przez Baby Blues bardzo potrzebne jest wsparcie. Moje monologi o smutkach macierzyństwa wprawiały często znajomych w otępienie – nie wiedzieli za bardzo co powinni odpowiedzieć, robili neutralną minę nie chcąc mnie urazić i nie ciągnęli tematu.

Nie miałam żalu. To trzeba poczuć, nie da się sobie tego wyobrazić.
Na szczęście moja mama słuchała cierpliwie – jak na zawodowego psychoterapeutę przystało – i koiła moje nerwy. Już sama jej obecność była kojąca. Momentami miałam wrażenie, że pod względem zapotrzebowania na „mamę” cofam się do czasów przedszkolnych.

Pod ciężarem własnej niechęci do nowego kształtu mojego życia myślałam o przyjaciółce, która opowiedziała mi, że po urodzeniu dziecka czuła się najszczęśliwsza. O kobietach z instagrama, które w pełnym makijażu sączyły aperol z niemowlakiem śpiącym smacznie w wózku obok. Ja z trudnością znajdowałam czas aby skorzystać z toalety.

Wciąż zadawałam sobie pytania:
Jak one to robią? (Te pytanie padało najczęściej)
Dlaczego nie czuję się dobrze w roli matki?
Czy tak już będzie zawsze?

W tym wszystkim najboleśniejsze było to, że było mi potwornie szkoda Zoji. Powinnam być szczęśliwą mamą. Tak jak te wszystkie instamamy, które w opisach swojego profilu pisały „szczęśliwa żona i mama”.

BABY BLUES

Baby blues to reakcja organizmu na intensywne zmiany hormonalne, które zachodzą w naszym ciele już po urodzeniu dziecka. Hormony zaczynają się (bardzo) powoli stabilizować, by w końcu wrócić do stanu sprzed ciąży.

W tłumaczeniu na emocje: Baby Blues to wstydliwy ból, którego samo istnienie powoduje wyrzuty sumienia.

JAK TO BYŁO U MNIE

Znacie te historie o wszechogarniającej matczynej miłości kiedy położna kładzie noworodka na piersi? To oksytocyna; hormon odpowiedzialny za przywiązanie, czułość i opiekę. Stężenie tego hormonu wzrasta drastycznie przy porodzie naturalnym, wytwarzamy go również karmiąc piersią, a nawet przy najzwyklejszym kontakcie skóra do skóry.

Tutaj zaczyna się moja historia.

Przy 8cm rozwarcia trafiłam na stół operacyjny z decyzją lekarza o cięciu cesarskim. Siłą rzeczy oksytocyny w moim organizmie było mniej. Kiedy podsunęli mi córkę do twarzy abym mogła ją zobaczyć i ucałować nie czułam nic. I nie chodzi mi o zobojętnienie, po prostu ten moment wydawał mi się odległy i nierealny.

Powtarzałam sobie „to ona”. To ona jeszcze kilka dni temu podskakiwała pod moim sercem kiedy piłam ciepłą herbatę.
To już. Już jest ze mną.

Ale ta legendarna miłość wtedy na mnie nie spłynęła.
Pomyślałam, że wśród gumowych rękawic, rurek i z otwartym brzuchem mam prawo do emocjonalnego otępienia.

Pierwsza fala czułości pojawiła się po 8-9 godzinach od zabiegu, kiedy wreszcie przynieśli do mnie dziecko na przystawienie do piersi. Leżałam z nią w szpitalnym łóżku, patrzyłam jak zmęczona stresującym dniem zaczyna zamykać oczka.
„Dałyśmy radę” pomyślałam, byłyśmy w tym przecież we dwie. Wzruszyłam się, wiedziałam, że już zawsze będę dla niej schronieniem.

Poczułam, że teraz będzie już dobrze.

POWRÓT DO DOMU

Byłam pewna, że powrót do domu przyniesie mi ulgę. Wrócę do swojej przestrzeni, po której nie biegają obcy ludzie. Położę się we własnym łóżku, wykąpię i opatulę szlafrokiem na cały dzień. Nie mogłam się doczekać.

I faktycznie, ulga chwilę trwała. A później stopniowo zaczęło docierać do mnie jak bardzo zmieniło się moje życie i jak niewiele wiem. Pojawił się strach. Bałam się każdego jęknięcia Zoji, jej płacz sprawiał, że przeszywał mnie gorąc. Chciałam, żeby w domu była osoba, która „zna się na dzieciach”. Potrafi uspokoić, nosić, karmić. Miałam ochotę uciec.

Ta panika ustępowała w miarę upływu dni.

Dodatkowym wyzwaniem okazało się pobudzenie laktacji. Wezwaliśmy konsultantkę laktacyjną, która pokazała nam prawidłowe techniki karmienia (w szpitalu każda położna miała odmienny komplet porad w tym zakresie) i poinstruowała jak używać laktatora. Przez ponad tydzień karmiłam piersią i odciągałam pokarm naprzemiennie. Pomiędzy jedną czynnością, a drugą miałam 20 minut, które przeznaczałam na prysznic, jedzenie lub zwyczajne gapienie się w ściane. Byłam wykończona.

Mój mąż był nieocenioną pomocą. Przynosił jedzenie (często jadłam karmiąc albo odciągając), pilnował godzin karmienia, nosił małą nocami kiedy płakała. Nie spaliśmy oboje. Ale to on dawał Zojce czułości za nas dwoje. Nie denerwował się, uśmiechał, rozczulał i chwalił nas obie.
Czasami żałowałam, że to nie on jest matką.

Dni mijały szybko, ale czułam jak znikam. Uświadomiłam sobie ile moich codziennych rytuałów przepadło, z iloma małymi przyjemnościami nie zdążyłam się pożegnać.

Czasami fantazjowałam sobie, że się budzę. Że ta cała ciąża, poród i dziecko okazały się tylko snem.
Budzę się i mogę w ciszy poleżeć jeszcze godzinę w łóżku, beztrosko przeglądając internet. Mogę wziąć długi prysznic, ułożyć włosy, ubrać się w jedną z letnich sukienek i wyjść ze znajomymi na kawę. Mogę wyjść wieczorem na drinka i wrócić o którejkolwiek. Mogę poczytać książkę w burzowe popołudnie i rozkoszować się dźwiękiem rozbijających się o parapet kropli deszczu.

Budzę się i wraca życie, które znam.

Ale to nie sen. To maleństwo płakało naprawdę, a moje życie kręciło się teraz wokół jej podstawowych potrzeb fizjologicznych.

TO MIJA

Pierwszy raz pojawiła się nadzieja na lepsze jutro kiedy przeczytałam fragment książki o rozwoju maluchów w pierwszym roku życia. Pocieszyła mnie informacja o tym, że kontakt wzrokowy, uśmiechy i gaworzenie zaczynają się już w drugim miesiącu. Zaczęłam więc wyczekiwać.

Na ratunek przyszła też mama, wyciągała mnie na spacery z wózkiem bo miałam tendencję do bunkrowania się w domu. Teściowa zostawała na godzinę z Zoją, abyśmy mogli wyjść na chwilę we dwoje z domu. Znajomi wpadli do nas w odwiedziny.
Odzyskiwałam skrawki normalnego życia.

I w końcu doczekałam się uśmiechu.

Pewnego dnia to po prostu zniknęło. Ten ból bycia matką, ból bycia nieszczęśliwą matką. Wszystko się jakoś ustabilizowało; życie, hormony, humory dziecka.

Każdy rodzic wam to powie: pierwszy miesiąc jest najgorszy.
Ale jest to wartościowe przeżycie.

Ostatecznie rodzicielstwo ma w zanadrzu ogromne pokłady radości 🙂

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227 komentarzy

  • Reply Agnieszka 9 sierpnia 2017 at 12:10

    Macierzyństwo po raz pierwszy jest takie trudne… I zupełnie inne od tego po raz drugi. Zajrzałam na swój Instagram. Po pierwszym porodzie w pierwszych 6 tygodni dodałam tylko 2 zdjecia, na których jestem. A właściwie moje oko lub twarz w cieniu. Nie było makijażu, kawki ani mojej uśmiechnięte buzi. Po drugim porodzie jest. Co się zmieniło? Wiedziałam już na co się przygotować i wiedziałam jak walczyć z każdym najmniejszym objawem baby blusa, jak nie pozwolić mu mnie zdominować. Ta fala uczuć – w jednej sekundzie miłych w drugiej ogromnie  nieprzyjemnych okazała się znajoma i łatwiejsza do opanowania. Wola silniejsza, a lęk o dzieci mniejszy. Nie pozwoliłam sobie na bunkrowanie, na użalanie się nad galaretowatym brzuchem, choć czasami zrobi mi się przykro na jego widok, wklepuję krem wciągam sukienkę i uśmiecham się do siebie mówiąc sobie coś miłego. Jestem dla siebie lepsza i serdeczniejsza, jestem swoją najlepszą przyjaciółką i to daje mi siłę. Ale masz rację, za pierwszym razem nikt o tym nie mówi… wstyd ogarnia nas i poczucie winy obezwładnia…

  • Reply Przygotuj się na karmienie piersią - Strefa Zadbanej Kobiety 6 października 2017 at 16:01

    […] Bez niego naprawdę łatwo się poddać. Zwłaszcza kiedy dopadnie nas Baby Blues (opisywałam TUTAJ). […]

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